Looking to the future

I debated whether or not I should blog today since I just wrote one yesterday. I’m new to this whole thing so I’m not sure if this is too much but I feel like I have a lot to say and who knows what tomorrow holds so here goes nothing.

So I have a diagnosis and now we know what we are up against. I say we  a lot because this affects my husband just as much as it does me, if not more. I’m not going to lie, I’m thankful to be on this side of it all. If he were the one with brain cancer, I don’t know how I would keep myself together. The amount of strength he has shown over the past few weeks is nothing short of incredible. He has been a rock to me and I feel so incredibly lucky and blessed and all of those feel good words to have him as my spouse. As cheesy at it may sound, he really is my best friend. We have almost been married for five years now and I just love being around him. When I pictured what I wanted in a spouse and in a marriage, HE IS IT. I won’t get too sappy right now but I just want it to be clear how truly amazing Michael really is.

Back to the asshole that is my brain tumor. I often refer to him as my evil tenant and how our goal is to evict him. Many have asked how I’m feeling, physically and mentally. Well overall I’m OK. I’m still dealing with these insane headaches. Some days are better than others, sometimes the medicine helps, other days it doesn’t. Since I had the biopsy Monday I’ve had some issues with reading (which is partially why there are so many errors in my writing-hank God for spell check). I mix up letters and numbers and I’m having trouble deciphering  some words. I’m not sure if this is temporary or not, but the doctors assured me it’s normal and should go away. The only other symptom I have is that sometimes it feels like my brain is vibrating. It’s a very odd feeling and I feel like I’ve had a few drinks. I hated it at first but now that I realize it’s probably my new normal, I’m just trying to embrace the fact that I feel buzzed all the time. I had some spells of nausea but that has since subsided thankfully. So overall I’m not great but I am OK.

Now how we are going to do evict him exactly is still a little unclear. I shared that it is inoperable which is extremely unfortunate. That is the biggest thing I have going against me right now. But I’m young, and that is the biggest thing I have going for me, so I’m holding on to that. So what’s the plan? We are going to start with radiation and chemo in about a week. I will do this every day for 6 weeks and then we will see how effective it is. According to our radiation oncologist, there is only a 1% chance that this will cure it because of how aggressive my tenant is. When he gave me that statistic I think I may have actually smiled at him because I could hear the Lord saying VERY CLEARLY “Challenge accepted!”  But there is hope that it will shrink it or stop it from growing and if we can do that, that would be amazing as well. We are also looking into every clinical trial we can find. The most promising one (the polio vaccine at Duke) I’m not eligible for because of the location of my tenant. But we are still researching daily trying to find anything that may give me a better chance.

Most of you probably think I’m insane for thinking and feeling the way that I do. I know the odds are against me. I know that there are only 17 reported cases (at least according to google) that are the same as mine (yup, they’re all dead). Why couldn’t I have a more normal type of cancer?  I told Michael and I will tell you since you are still reading this…I believe with every ounce of my being that the Lord will heal me. I don’t know in what way yet, and maybe it will be spiritual healing in the end, but I know He will heal me. I know that He is with us and that He has this. I believe that He has the power to heal anything and I believe in miracles. Maybe it’s not realistic but I can’t allow myself to think any other way.

I want to leave you with two things today. Two “signs” if I may call them that. The first being Saint Stephanie. Obviously Stephanie is my name, but it is also my confirmation name. I didn’t know much about her as a Saint until recently but what I did discover is that she is a Saint of healing. I pulled this from Apostle.com about her: “Saint Stephanie is capable of healing herself very quickly after inflicting herself with severe penances. Able to heal others as well.” Coincidence? No way.

The second one is a text I received earlier from my sister in  law. The text itself is pretty self explanatory but in case you need some help seeing why it’s so amazing and how it just shows that God has this, 6/24 is our anniversary. And yesterday when I started this blog I titled it Faith, Hope, and Love, because those are the 3 things that are going to get us trough this. img_2550

Is that amazing or what?! Reading that this morning was just a huge reminder that GOD HAS THIS. Thank you for sticking with me so far and PLEASE keep the prayers coming. Maybe I’m getting greedy with asking for payers but they have lifted our spirits thus far and I know how big the power of prayer is.

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27 thoughts on “Looking to the future

  1. From the perspective of God talking to Jesus about you:She will see I didn’t do these things to her, but did these things for her. Though it broke my heart to give her the opposite of what she deserved, she will eventually turn all that bad into good. She will turn the bad upside down because My Power will be in her. As a result, she will be a beacon of light to others in a world of darkness. And, she will effortlessly bring others to Me through You, my Son.

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  2. You do not know me, but I wanted you to know I’m praying for you and your family. I’m asking all my friends who don’t know you either to pray for you as well. Why not have as many people, known or unknown, praying for you. It says in the Bible that we should pray for one another and to pray without ceasing. By the way, just so you know, I am Everett Probasco’s aunt and his wife Chrystal shared your story. I figure we need all the prayer warriors we can get.

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  3. So inspiring and God does heal though we may not know exactly how, or what kind or aspect the healing is. But you have keep trusting in Him. Writing will help getting your thoughts out and you and your family are being prayed for all over this country . Like I said we’ve known Michael and his parents since he was in elementary school. I can tell through FB and seeing him at Steve’s pinning on a few years ago how special you were to him though his words about you.

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  4. Thank you for sharing these words Stephanie…just so you know, you are a “good writer’. You don’t know me, but I have been a friend of Sharon (Goff) and her family for many years…almost 50 in fact, since about 1968…and you are now included in that extended family of ours. What hurts Sharon, hurts me…with that I want you to know that, since reading your words and learning the severity of your diagnosis, I will be praying without ceasing. I always called cancer, Satan…but I like your asshole better. My two daughters, Becki and Staci (they were same ages as Kim and Karen, and were friends) will also be following your blog with me…and praying for you. Sending love and hugs…xo And keep writing, whenever you feel like it…don’t ever hesitate.

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  5. God Bless you Steph!
    Your words and faith are an inspiration to all of us.
    You are in our prayers.

    God Bless

    We love you !

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  6. Wow! No coincidences! God speaking clearly to you!!! ❤❤❤
    I’m excited and can’t wait to see what God does! Write to us EVERY DAY if you can! We want to walk with you!
    Praise God for your rock! Your best friend! We are glad you are with her Michael!

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  7. Stephanie, Kimberly Johnson’s daughter, Andrea, is married to my son, Daniel. Prayers are being sent to you from Tennessee and Arkansas.

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  8. Hi, Stephanie

    I’m Paula from Alpha Table 1, and have missed your and your husband’s smiley faces.
    My heart goes out to you and your family.
    I empathize with you concerning headaches and the diagnosis of cancer, although my tumor was elsewhere.

    Prayers are going up to the Heavenly Father for all your needs, especially healing.

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  9. Believe in yourself and the power that you have within yourself to walk the road that has been placed before you. Have faith and reach deep to find for the challenges you face are obviously difficult by…. never give up .. as you have been given this challenge for a reason unbeknownst to us but for a reason deter by a power higher than us… you are in my thoughts and prayers . Keep blogging to help keep us involved with spreading the prayer chain.

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  10. You might not remember me from high school (I was a grade below you), but I saw a share of this and can’t help but feel compelled to follow your journey and most certainly keep you in my daily prayers. Your immediate strength is so inspiring!

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  11. The power of prayer is real and I have seen its power. To add to what you share above about the text, the hymn, and the blog name is that we have talked about how we have faith and how we pray during Alpha these last two weeks. We have shared stories of the Lord speaking to us in different yet profound and unexpected ways. No doubt this was His message for you to hear. Gladly praying for all three of you and thank you for sharing the story. Your openness, honesty and optimistic point of view are remarkable. Hugs to you.

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  12. Hi Stephanie!! I graduated with your brother and I worked at Doghouse when you were little. I’m so sorry your going thru this. You and your sweet family will be in my prayers.

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  13. Praying for you, Stephanie, and your sweet family. May you feel God’s loving presence, healing, and peace as you walk this unexpected journey.

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  14. Hi Stephanie, my brother is Jim Johnson. Kimberly shared this with us. We are praying for you from Indiana. Praying for peace and comfort for your family, wisdom and discernment for the doctors going forward and for complete healing from the Great Physician.

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  15. Thanks for sharing your journey, Stephanie. We’re praying for all 3 of you! We’ll be praying for physically AND spiritually healing for you. You are such a fighter, and you’ve got the best team in your corner with the Lord, Michael, and Sarah!!

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  16. Stephanie, I’m college friends with Ryan, Kit, Blakely and Amanda; we might have overlapped here and there at parties/gatherings and whatnot. I just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you and your family, and I admire the strength and faith you have during this storm. If you don’t mind, I’d love to pray for you during our church service. Prayers for healing and strength ❤

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  17. My son is a doctor and sees miracles every day. I’ve added you, your husband and family to my prayer journal. I believe in the power of prayer because I believe God is the great physician. If I could figure out how to attach something here, I would. Please go to iTunes if you can and listen to the song “There is a God” by Lee Ann Womack. It has gotten me through some dark days and I pray it will for you. Much love.

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  18. Stephanie!!! Miracles are on your path!!! I BELIEVE IT and I know you DO TOO :-))))) You are going to get a bombardment of prayers and it will be well deserved ❤ Every time I sang at church yesterday I thought of you and you should have heard all the people who called out your name during the prayer! Totally awesome ❤ You are so loved! I hope you know this! 🙂

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  19. God is already at work through you and in you! The Holy Spirit shines in your words as you share your thoughts on your experiences. Saint Stephanie you are modeling and I know, she too is at work for you. Your Faith and Love is inspiring to us. I realize to you it’s just another day in your journey, that’s what makes it so inspiring!! I hope you continue to share you journey with us! Love and Prayers to the Koslow Families!!!

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