A change of heart

If you would have asked me 6 months ago when we were going to have baby number 2, you probably would have gotten a response along the lines of “one and done!” or “I’m not sure if we will have more children.” It’s not that Sarah is a bad child, Sarah is wonderful. Sarah is just about as good as she possibly could be! I just didn’t realize how much parenting would I would be doing solo and how hard being a stay at home mom would be! In no way is this a bash at my husband because he is an amazing father. But his job has all sorts of crazy hours and trips and I am a person with high anxiety (which is ironic because I’ve had so much peace throughout this whole situation). I never expected to just want one child but I was very convinced very quickly that we would be a family of 3 after Sarah was born. Starting back in December I started praying a lot about whether or not I should be more open to a second child. When we found out I had a brain tumor on January 31st, one of the first thoughts that came to my head was “ok  there’s my answer! I guess God doesn’t want us to have another kid!” But over the past month and a half, I’ve started to have a change of heart.

It’s not something I pray about much these days because right now I’m focusing and praying for healing (complete healing as my mom tells me-we need to be specific haha) and to just enjoy every day and treat every day as the gift that it truly is. But I will say, it’s been more on my mind and heart than it probably should be. What I wouldn’t give to be pregnant with triplets right now than be wishing away brain cancer. Now I don’t actually want triplets but it doesn’t sound as bad now. It’s just funny to me that having brain cancer makes me want another child. Like very clearly in my mind and heart want another child. And the other funny (but not actually funny) part? The chemo I’m on can cause infertility. It’s not a definite thing but it can happen. So I don’t know if we will ever have more children, at least biological children. So just be careful what you say because the universe might actually give you what you ask for! I know it doesn’t work like this but I tried to strike up a deal with God that I will openly bear children if he can just heal me. I would do it. I’ll sacrifice my body and my sanity and my sleep if I can just be here with my family. I just want to be here. I don’t let myself go to the sad places often but when I do it’s because I just can’t imagine my sweet Sarah growing up without her mommy. She is seriously my favorite little girl and my partner in crime. Gosh, I just love her so much.

Enough with that sappy mess. I’m happy to report that I’m doing so much better than my last update. I’m back on steroids and got my pain meds refilled so I’m feeling so much better!! I’m looking forward to the day when I don’t have to take pain meds but I have to remind myself that I just had major brain surgery 2 weeks ago. It’s only been 2 weeks!! My surgeon told me he has had patients that have had their entire tumor grow back just two weeks after surgery. That’s insane. That’s not me though. We served my tenant his eviction notice the day I had surgery. BYE FELICIA!

We did get some kind of disappointing news today that I will share. Some of my test results from my biopsy came back showing that my tumor is unmethalated. What the heck does that mean? It means it’s with the majority of glioblastomas (66% of them are unmethalated) and it means that it typically doesn’t respond as well to chemo as methylated tumors. But they said sometimes even methylated ones don’t respond to it and the unmethalated ones do. Just depends on what cells are left behind after surgery. Fun fact: glioblastomas are made up of more than 100 different cancer cells. But I have a feeling he only left the best kind of cancer cells behind. I mean really, my post surgery nurse was named Jesus. The silver lining to having an unmethalated tumor means I’m eligible for more clinical trials. Obviously we hope that in 9 weeks when we do my post radiation and chemo scan there are no signs of cancer or tumor in sight, but it’s good to know I have the option for clinical trials if needed!

I know I’ve said it before, but man have we been blessed through this whole situation. We have received so many packages, cards, messages, texts, etc over the past few weeks. We are completely amazed and so so thankful for everyone’s generosity and help. You guys have been amazing. We even had a couple (that we haven’t met) who reached out to us and offered up their home for us. i repeat, THEY OFFERED US THEIR HOME. They aren’t here for the next couple of months and wanted to help us out. Not only that, but it’s a child proof home complete with a play room. Seriously, such a blessing. Tonight is our first night here and it feels so nice to not be in a hotel for a couple nights. Although I will say, living in a hotel hasnt been as awful as you might think. They have an indoor pool and breakfast every morning so there isn’t much to complain about!

Many of you have asked about Sarah! Sarah is still here and she is so happy! She is doing amazing with everything. She knows that “my head hurts” and I’m “working on fixing it.” She is so sweet about everything. Every day she puts her sweet little hand on my arm and says “mommy, are you feewing better?” It’s so sweet. And so many people have sent her toys so the girl thinks it’s Christmas in Oklahoma haha! We have been so blessed to have family out here to help with Sarah over the past few weeks. I’m so thankful because having her out here has brought me so much joy and lifted my spirits immensely. And because I’m feeling better she hasn’t seen me in a bad state at all and having the help allows me to still rest when I need and take it easy. So so so thankful!

 

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14 thoughts on “A change of heart

  1. I am so glad you are doing so well…you are amazing and I am so happy that you have such wonderful support and are even able to be in a home that someone offered up to you! That’s wonderful! So glad things are going well!

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  2. We’re so happy you’re feeling better! We are also specific in our prayers, and are praying you are completely healed.
    If God blesses you with another pregnancy, and you should have triplets, just give us a call, we’ll help you handle them! Speaking from personal experience, triplets ROCK! 🙂
    Thank you for including us in your journey!

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  3. Hey Stephanie! I live in the neighborhood with your Mom and Dad. I’ve been reading your blogs and praying like crazy for you!!! What an amazing thing to have use of a WHOLE HOUSE!!! You are doing so great , keeping your spirits up and shining a bright light over all of us who are waiting for the news of your COMPLETE healing!!! God bless you and your family.

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  4. God knows the desires of your heart …
    He made you and put them there! I’m so excited to see the future he has planned for you! More babies! 😀
    We love reading your blog … had a co worker ask me about you … you’ll never meet her but she said she couldn’t stop thinking about you! I love that! … how God keeps you covered in prayer and … the blessings keep coming! Lord bless the folks who offered up their home! Wow!

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  5. Wow! Talk about the generosity of strangers! I’m sure having a change of pace helps lift everyone’s spirits!! I think most of us pray for special things and I know I have even bargained a few times in my life so you are definitely not alone ! GOD’S WILL!! Hang on to that and know so many are lifting you in prayer. And if it turns out you need some input from my sister regarding clinical trials; say the word. It does seem you have an angelic medical team watching over you. Enjoy your weekend . Much peace and love to you my friend. 💙

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  6. Hi you don’t know me but we have a mutual Facebook friend. Just wanted to let you know that I look forward to your blog updates and I’m all the way over here in Oregon praying and cheering you on! ❤️❤️ Lots of love and healing vibes and prayers your way always mama!

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  7. We are continuing to pray for you Stephanie. I am so happy to hear that your pain is being managed and that Sarah is there to help lift your spirits. Selah and I were praying together the other day and we prayed for you, your health, your family, and to beat this cancer. At the end of our prayer Selah added “also please let Mrs Stephanie have another baby.” I thought this was a very random addition to our prayer but Selah is a very spiritual child and I don’t think this is a coincidence. Hugs to you!

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  8. Oh, my dear dear Stephanie. So glad to read that you are feeling better for all you have gone, are going, and will go through. You are SUCH an amazing, inspiring young woman. Will continue to bombard Heaven with prayers that the “negative” turn into a big fat POSITIVE. You just keep on keepin’ on. Thank you so much for your frank shares.

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  9. So. Glad things are looking up for y’all, Happy to hear that your daughter has brought you all that joy !! Family is with you everyday ! Love you Uncle Brian

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  10. I love how God will make ways when the world says there aren’t any! Praying for you and your family daily. Looking forward to your next post and your continued progress!

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