Some normalcy

Let your faith be stronger than your fear. I wish I could say that I’ve stood behind that throughout this entire journey but there were definitely times leading up to my diagnosis when I let the fear creep in and get the best of me. I would curl up on Michael and just sob. I was so scared. Not of dying, at least not really. But scared to leave behind Sarah and have her grow up without me. And to leave behind my husband. I seriously love him so much. More than I ever imagined I could love one person. He is exactly the husband I always dreamed of and our love alone keeps me going every day. But I definitely had moments of weakness in the first few weeks of this journey. But once we got the diagnosis I was surprisingly better. I think part of it was now we knew what we were dealing with and I also already knew it was going to be bad because of how fast everything happened and how bad my headaches got. But I also think I was blessed by the Holy Spirit. I felt a sense of peace about everything and that feeling hasn’t left me since. I tell Michael and many people that I talk to that I know I’m going to be ok. I can physically feel the Lord using me for some greater purpose with all of this. And yes, this is a bad situation. The cancer is bad and a lot of people die from it and the location is rare and not ideal BUT it has to be this bad and unusual in order for it to be the testimony that it’s going to be at the end of this journey. I am going to be a medical miracle and I’m hoping to help out a local priest here in Oklahoma become a Saint when this is all said and done. I can’t wait for them to look at my scans and say “it’s gone.” We have already experienced so many miracles on this journey, I am so excited and anxious to see what else the Lord has planned. I have met so many people since we have come to Oklahoma and when they hear of my “situation” they tell me how sorry they are. Please don’t be sorry for me. Obviously I don’t want brain cancer, but this has absolutely changed my life for the better and for THAT, I am so thankful. I will never be the same.

On a lighter note, it’s 6:30 in the morning and I can’t sleep. I woke up thinking about what I wrote above and I needed to get it written down. So here I am just typing away! Today will mark day 4 of no pain meds! I still have to use some Tylenol about once a day because I get minor headaches but Tylenol doesn’t count. Normal people use Tylenol. I’m currently in the process of weaning off steroids again so I’m hoping it goes better than last week. I’m also weaning off of another medication so that will cut out 9 of my daily pills! Wahoo!

Michael and I had a date night this week and boy was it needed. We have spent more time together over the past month than we have in a while but it’s all tumor related. So it felt good to get out just the two of us and connect and have normal conversation. We went to Texas de Brazil. It was AMAZING. I’m on a ketogenic diet (a cancer diet) and this restaurant fit the bill. I can basically only have meat and vegetables. No sugars or carbs. I repeat, NO SUGARS OR CARBS PEOPLE! It has been kind of rough, I won’t lie. At least the lack of sweets part because I’m not using sugar substitutes either. And no pasta? Pasta is a staple in my diet. And no fruit. Sigh. The reason behind it is that cancer feeds on sugar so essentially I’m trying to starve what’s left of my tenant. But Texas de Brazil, a place with a salad bar and unlimited meat? I can do that!

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Michael and I “dressed up” for our date. Sarah insisted on being in the picture.. “wearing” her new rosary.

And since I’m talking about normalcy, last night I did something that made my heart and soul so happy. I went to choir practice. For those of you that may not know, I sing. I majored in music in college, and although I’m not using it in a career setting, music ministry has become a huge passion of mine. We have another month here so I figured why not sing with them for a month?! It felt SO good to sing again. Sure I’m a little rusty, but I was happy. And Michael even came! He sings too but it’s hard for us to both make rehearsals on a normal basis because of Sarah. But with the extra help, we were both able to go! I can’t wait to be that annoying family that sings in 3 (or maybe one day 4) part harmony. Reading music is also really good therapy for my brain right now. Since my initial biopsy, I’ve been a tad dyslexic. I mix up letters and struggle reading some words and letters. It’s definitely getting better but it’s definitely there. But reading music is forcing me to not only read the words but the music as well. It’s keeping me smart! I’m so thankful for this week. It’s brought a lot of normalcy but normalcy feels like winning the lottery right now.

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23 thoughts on “Some normalcy

  1. Just found out about your situation from a friend in Florida who is a neighbor of your mother-in-law’s. Sending continuing prayers to you from NH. Keep up the good work!

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  2. Wow just wow. You are an inspiration to me and I thank God for your openness and willingness to share your journey with us. He is using you in big ways to touch others lives. May He continue to Bless you and your family. Giving God all the glory for your healing and beautiful spirit. Blessings, Theresa

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  3. I LOVE following your story, Stephanie. What a relief to know you’re singing again! Your voice brings joy and hope to all who hear it!

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  4. Okay, so I knew that you could sing, but I didn’t know that you could SING!!! Pete and I listened to your recording of Ave Maria yesterday and WOW….you have such a beautiful voice! How did I not know this?!
    It’s so awesome that you’re able to sing during your time in Oklahoma, and I’m glad that it’s giving you a sense of normalcy. Fear may creep in from time to time but your Faith will always overpower it! I truly believe in what you said…. that God has a greater purpose for you and that he is going to turn this in to a powerful testimony! You really are an inspiration to so many people, so let that be your source of strength when fear creeps in! We love you and will continue to pray for you every day!!! ❤ Tiff & Pete 🙂

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  5. I am loving getting to know you and your journey with the Lord through your blog! The Holy Spirit is so obviously living in and working through you.

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  6. Thank you for continuing to share your heart with all of us. I am so happy you are singing! I wondered about that. 🎶 Sure miss you in our choir! 🎶 I will pray for Fr. Rother’s intercession that you become completely healed! “the prayer of a righteous man has great power in its effects” (Jas. 5:16)… God has His hands all over this Stephanie! You are exactly where you are supposed to be. So proud of you and your positive attitude. Love and peace always! 💟

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  7. I laughed out loud with your comment regarding perhaps future 4 part singing!!! NO DOUBT Karen has been talking to you about the Toast of Tampa Show Chorus and Barbershop singing:)!!! Glad to know things are going well.

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  8. I’m thrilled to hear you are using your angelic voice again. After all, without it, you might not have gone to St. Mary, nor met Michael, nor had Sarah in your lives!!!

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  9. Stephanie,
    Are you referring to Servant of God Father Stanley Rother? His story is outstanding and I think you are a perfect cause for his intercession.

    Love, Toni Henley

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  10. Your daily openness is such a blessing! God created every single cell in your body and can heal each one of them! Your family is beautiful! I look forward to the next progress report! Psalm 139

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  11. Hello Stephanie! You don’t know me but I’m a friend of your cousin Leroy Jordan and your aunt Jan.I’ve been following your journey since your diagnosis. I see in you that miracles do happen.I’m glad you got a direct line with the big guy, I’m not too happy with him today but I’ll tell you about that later. You’re one courageous lady. Michael and Sarah must be really proud of you. My prayers are with you. You’re really an inspiration. You being just on Tylenol After such a short time Is fantastic. I myself am on Fentanyl and hydrocodone Just with my fibromyalgia COPD and a back injury. LOL
    You See I found out today I have a lesion in my brain. I don’t know what that means. The doctor’s office told me I have to come Next week And I have another MRI done with contrast. They also said they didn’t think the Migraines had anything to do With the lesion. So whatever that means I don’t know.I’ve had a migraine going on now 36 Days Is that a coincidence, I don’t know.I guess another MRI will tell.. And my scared? You betcha! But of all days I read your post talking about fear and here I am Scared to death reading your post that’s NOT a coincidence. That’s a guidance for this is the first post that Jan has forwarded to me. Stephanie, you are working in God’s name.
    As I said Your family is in my prayers And will continue to be You walk with God And as I see you sing with God too.
    Love,
    Debi Cellmer

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  12. Woot woot, great news…. feeling better, less pain, date with hubby, music rehearsal, meat diet….. thank you Lord!

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  13. God is SO good! So happy, Stephanie, that you had another “no pain meds” day. You ARE going to evict this tenant. I can just feel it! And I’m glad you and Michael had your “date night”. How fun! Sending prayers Heaven-ward nightly …

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  14. So happy to read your uplifting, happy, spirit-filled post today, Stephanie. May God continue to bless you with miraculous healing!

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  15. I am so happy to hear you are healing and God is working “overtime” in your life. You are a miracle, and your determination is so inspiring. Keep up the good work. My prayers continue for you, Michael, and Sarah. God is Good

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  16. Stephanie,

    You have been in my thoughts and prayers. I will be going to Guatemala this week. We will be going to Santiago Atitlan where Father Rother was killed. Will be saying extra prayers for you when we are there. I believe in miracles too.

    Sister Ann

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  17. So excited to hear your able to do something “normal” It’s so important to focus on other things, it keeps you balanced. I feel the Holy Spirit is surrounding you too! I have experienced that feeling, when my hubby was at war and I was alone(lived far from family) and pregnant and gave birth for the first time. A miraculous gift to be sure to be surrounded by the Holy Spirit. I said an all encompassing prayer for you last night about this light and peace we are given in the most trying of circumstances….Let the light shine on for you…peace and strength your way! Feel him walk beside you in the darkness and carry you through….continued thoughts and prayers miracles will continue to happen…big hugs to you and your mom today and every day.
    Side note: I often pray for grace in my life and he has brought me you…

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