Let your faith be stronger than your fear. I wish I could say that I’ve stood behind that throughout this entire journey but there were definitely times leading up to my diagnosis when I let the fear creep in and get the best of me. I would curl up on Michael and just sob. I was so scared. Not of dying, at least not really. But scared to leave behind Sarah and have her grow up without me. And to leave behind my husband. I seriously love him so much. More than I ever imagined I could love one person. He is exactly the husband I always dreamed of and our love alone keeps me going every day. But I definitely had moments of weakness in the first few weeks of this journey. But once we got the diagnosis I was surprisingly better. I think part of it was now we knew what we were dealing with and I also already knew it was going to be bad because of how fast everything happened and how bad my headaches got. But I also think I was blessed by the Holy Spirit. I felt a sense of peace about everything and that feeling hasn’t left me since. I tell Michael and many people that I talk to that I know I’m going to be ok. I can physically feel the Lord using me for some greater purpose with all of this. And yes, this is a bad situation. The cancer is bad and a lot of people die from it and the location is rare and not ideal BUT it has to be this bad and unusual in order for it to be the testimony that it’s going to be at the end of this journey. I am going to be a medical miracle and I’m hoping to help out a local priest here in Oklahoma become a Saint when this is all said and done. I can’t wait for them to look at my scans and say “it’s gone.” We have already experienced so many miracles on this journey, I am so excited and anxious to see what else the Lord has planned. I have met so many people since we have come to Oklahoma and when they hear of my “situation” they tell me how sorry they are. Please don’t be sorry for me. Obviously I don’t want brain cancer, but this has absolutely changed my life for the better and for THAT, I am so thankful. I will never be the same.
On a lighter note, it’s 6:30 in the morning and I can’t sleep. I woke up thinking about what I wrote above and I needed to get it written down. So here I am just typing away! Today will mark day 4 of no pain meds! I still have to use some Tylenol about once a day because I get minor headaches but Tylenol doesn’t count. Normal people use Tylenol. I’m currently in the process of weaning off steroids again so I’m hoping it goes better than last week. I’m also weaning off of another medication so that will cut out 9 of my daily pills! Wahoo!
Michael and I had a date night this week and boy was it needed. We have spent more time together over the past month than we have in a while but it’s all tumor related. So it felt good to get out just the two of us and connect and have normal conversation. We went to Texas de Brazil. It was AMAZING. I’m on a ketogenic diet (a cancer diet) and this restaurant fit the bill. I can basically only have meat and vegetables. No sugars or carbs. I repeat, NO SUGARS OR CARBS PEOPLE! It has been kind of rough, I won’t lie. At least the lack of sweets part because I’m not using sugar substitutes either. And no pasta? Pasta is a staple in my diet. And no fruit. Sigh. The reason behind it is that cancer feeds on sugar so essentially I’m trying to starve what’s left of my tenant. But Texas de Brazil, a place with a salad bar and unlimited meat? I can do that!
Michael and I “dressed up” for our date. Sarah insisted on being in the picture.. “wearing” her new rosary.
And since I’m talking about normalcy, last night I did something that made my heart and soul so happy. I went to choir practice. For those of you that may not know, I sing. I majored in music in college, and although I’m not using it in a career setting, music ministry has become a huge passion of mine. We have another month here so I figured why not sing with them for a month?! It felt SO good to sing again. Sure I’m a little rusty, but I was happy. And Michael even came! He sings too but it’s hard for us to both make rehearsals on a normal basis because of Sarah. But with the extra help, we were both able to go! I can’t wait to be that annoying family that sings in 3 (or maybe one day 4) part harmony. Reading music is also really good therapy for my brain right now. Since my initial biopsy, I’ve been a tad dyslexic. I mix up letters and struggle reading some words and letters. It’s definitely getting better but it’s definitely there. But reading music is forcing me to not only read the words but the music as well. It’s keeping me smart! I’m so thankful for this week. It’s brought a lot of normalcy but normalcy feels like winning the lottery right now.