When I was first hospitalized because of my brain tumor, back before we knew it was cancer, I remember staying up the entire night. I tried my hardest to sleep but I couldn’t, not even for 5 minutes. My mind was racing and every sad and horrible thought that could exist went through my head. Mostly about Michael and Sarah, but about our family and friends as well. I didn’t have a journal at the time and that was before I decided to start this blog, so I started some notes in my phone. A note to Michael and a note to Sarah. I poured out my heart in them expressing my love and gratitude for each of them. I told Michael they were there “just in case.” Well a few weeks ago, we both went to get new phones because ours weren’t working anymore and I didn’t realize it until afterwards that I lost those notes. The notes I wrote with my breaking heart and eyes full of tears. I was so sad to lose those, but then I really thought about it. Maybe God did that intentionally because they won’t need them. I read into everything now so I feel like I sound a little crazy but it just makes sense to me! I also feel like maybe God was this present BT but I just wasn’t seeing it. I wasn’t looking like I am now. My eyes were foggy before but now they are clear.
Yesterday marked my last day of radiation and my first and longest round of chemo. I get a month break now which I am THRILLED for. My body needs a break. I’m praying now that on this “break,” it doesn’t grow back. Overall I definitely feel better and I’m doing really well but this nausea business is not really my favorite thing. It’s like I have the stomach flu or first trimester of pregnancy again. But instead of knowing the good to come on the other side, you constantly have statistics thrown in your face. It’s hard seeing them. I don’t look for them now because of how they make me feel but one popped up tonight and it got to me I’ll admit. I was searching for an article I was interviewed for yesterday (Daily Mail) and came across a treatment option. It explained that without this treatment (one I’m already considering), the 5 year survival rate is only 5% (this treatment bumps that to 13%). Ugh that number won’t leave my head. It’s just so low. But I really think it’s the devil getting into my head. I’m here now and I’m young and vibrant and healthy! Most people with this are much older and it’s pretty uncommon for a person, a WOMAN, my age to get this. So that must be where those low numbers come from. All us young people who drew the short straw MUST make up those small numbers.
I don’t actually believe I drew the short straw, but that’s essentially what happened according to doctors. I know that this needed to happen to me. For myself, my marriage (my marriage was great before this, but it’s deepened it in a way most people wouldn’t understand), and other people. This had to happen and it had to be bad. I try not to think why me, because that does me no good. Sometimes I think, “Why Michael? Why Sarah?” Because I know this journey is going to be long. I read the story of a glioblastoma survivor a couple weeks ago and she is like 16 years out now, but she has had 2.5 years of chemo, 6 reoccurrences and 5 brain surgeries. The thought of that makes me anxious. But she is alive and she is here still. I’ll do whatever I have to do. Even if it means public speaking for the rest of my life.
This public speaking has really taken off over the past several days. I’ve interviewed with 4 news stations and had several companies reach out to interview me since then. I can’t keep up anymore, but I am thrilled that so many people want to tell my story and want to hear me tell it! The links below are stories that were aired locally and used my interview from the OU medical center.