After 2.5 months, we are finally home. It feels even better than I imagined it would. There is just something about sleeping in your own bed that brings so much comfort. I won’t lie, it feels a little weird. When we left here a few months ago, we left quickly and we left in a state of fear. The last time we were here we didn’t know I had cancer, let alone grade IV cancer. My tumor was still “inoperable.” Everything was so different the last time we were here and that energy still lingers. Energy of fear and hope rolled into one. It’s even weirder because I feel like a different person now than I was when we left. I am more hopeful now, my Faith runs deeper, and I’m not scared like I was. I have every reason to be scared, yet I’m not. God has revealed Himself to us in so many ways since all of this happened and that alone is enough to suppress any fears we might have. I realized yesterday during mass that I was released from the hospital on Ash Wednesday and we came home the night of Easter. That’s so crazy cool and symbolic to me. We have had some dark times but through the darkness we can see His light at the end. I’m very far from the end as this journey may be a long one,but knowing that He is here to guide and comfort us in the dark AND light moments, brings us so much comfort. The gift of peace we have received through all of this has been one of the greatest blessings and I have no doubt that that comes from the thousands of people who are praying for us. So for now I’m trying to get all this older energy out of our house and bring light and happiness to it. Man, I sound like my mom!
Today was my first “day” going solo with Sarah again. I was very anxious about it but I knew everything would fall into place! I also only had her by myself for two hours so I’m being eased back into it all slowly which has been nice. I’ve also had a lot of help. So many friends offering to take Sarah and make us meals. My ego and pride hates admitting that I need help and that I can’t do it on my own yet but it’s been humbling. Learning to lean on others and ask for help. I’m having a hard time finding a balance between taking care of myself and taking care of my family. We still haven’t unpacked everything (maybe about half?) and for those who know me, you know how hard it is for me to see clutter everywhere. But I’m learning to just let go of the mess for now. I simply can’t do everything I used to and I’m accepting that, slowly.
On our way back from Oklahoma, we made a little detour and went to California since Sarah had never been and we were half way there already. Makes sense, right? We had the most fun and it was the perfect way to end this first chapter. We needed some family fun! Sarah met almost every princess possible and was SO excited! Michaels brother (who works at Disney) made sure Sarah was on the VIP list to meet Anna and Elsa and man, was it a special experience or what! They even gave her an autographed frozen book because they knew what a strong and special little girl she is! Also, check out my hysterical shirt. My awesome friend made it for me and it just cracked me up. There may be a rule against saying “butt” at Disney, but whateva!
So how’s the break going? Pretty amazing. I can tell that I don’t have a bunch of toxins being pumped into my body daily. I just feel better. My head is good 98% of the time and I’m not even taking Tylenol anymore so my daily pill consumption went from 30 and a shot down to 3 and a special drink (heck yea!!) I still get tired fairly easy, but my nausea has subsided (mostly) and that has been the worst of it all. The hair loss is a close second but I deal with the nausea more than I have to deal with my hair loss. The worst of it is in the back so for me if it’s out of sight it’s out of mind! It’s weird, a year ago I would have been mortified to leave the house knowing I had bald spots on the back of my head but now I really just don’t care. I have accepted that in order to get better I’m going to have to deal with some not fun stuff first. I also don’t feel like I can’t complain about my hair loss because it could be (and very well may be) much much worse. But I’ll deal with that when I get there!