When Jesus heard this he said, “This illness is not to end in death, but is for the glory of God, that the Son of God may be glorified through it.” John 11:4
This was a passage from the Gospel read at church this weekend. It hit pretty close to home. That the Son of God may be glorified through it. I know that this is being used for some greater good. Every time I read a comment about how my story has inspired someone or brought them closer to God, my heart dances. To know that good is coming out of all of this. To see the good and feel the good. I’ve never been one to preach or throw my Faith in people’s faces but I just can’t help but share all of the things we have experienced. God is so real and so present in this, it’s hard to ignore, which is why we don’t. Especially when it brings so much hope.
Hope. It’s a word that didn’t mean as much to me BT (before tenant). But hope is everything now. Hope for a cure. Hope for years instead of months. Hope lets me believe that I can be the small percentage of people who can actually “beat” this thing. Hope lets me believe that I’ll be here for my family and to watch my daughter grow up. Hope is what makes me believe that when I die I’ll go to heaven and won’t just vanish into thin air. Hope is everything.
Per the suggestion of my mom, I went to a Look Good, Feel Better workshop today and I’m so glad that I did! Selfishly for the bag of amazing make up. But unselfishly for what an amazing program it is. And to see the impact it’s having. It’s a program that teaches women (and men!) how to do your make up, hair wraps, wigs, etc. did you know a lot of people going through chemo lose their eyebrows and eyelashes? I had no idea! They teach you how to draw them on in a way that looks natural. It’s amazing what this disease can do to your self image and your confidence. I don’t even have the worst of these side effects and I struggle with this. But this program helps you to find ways to still feel like yourself and to feel beautiful, even when cancer is being rude. And I just love that! Here is my “after” makeover featuring my awesome dad!
So there’s dad everyone! He braved the crazy weather of Oklahoma to be with us this weekend. It’s always so good to see my dad. I’ve always been such a daddy’s girl. And it sucks for everyone else. 5 people can tell me the same thing but I don’t believe it until I hear it from my dad. Partially because I’m stubborn and partially because there’s nothing like the love between a dad and his little girl. I know he won’t steer me wrong (yup, everyone else is! :P) It felt so good to have my mom, dad, husband and daughter all with me, even if just for a few days! These moments don’t happen too often so when they do, I soak them up! I know it was good for him to see me too because the last time he saw me was when I looked like I did in that Snapchat from my last post. He was probably just happy that I had showered.
We are in the home stretch here in Oklahoma. We are very excited to get home but I’m extremely anxious to get back into the routine of things when we get home because the routine will be new. Trying to figure out how to use my energy, learn to ask for help, figure out if I should actually be driving. I’m nervous what life after brain surgery looks like for a stay at home mom. I know it will be ok, really I do. But I’m just very anxious about it. Many have asked what the future looks like for us. Although we really have no idea, what we DO KNOW is: I will be on chemo for the next year (on and off). I won’t have another scan until four weeks after I finish radiation, so mid May. I’ll be transferring to a new center “closer” to home with more clinical trial options so we MAY look into some clinical trials dependent upon what’s available. So far my ex-tumor and it’s location hasn’t made me eligible for too many but we shall see. There are so many unknowns still but we do know that God is carrying us all right now and we are so hopeful. Hope.